I think it is safe to say I have had problems with self esteem all my life and it feels like once I pick myself up I just get knocked back down. When issues like this come up for me I usually fall into tears. Some major self esteem moments and issues include:
– Failing the AP Pascal exam my senior year in HS. I had never studied for a test like I did that test and still I crapped out.
– Having to switch majors from Computer Science to English
– Not being accepted to the Jet Program (a program where you teach English in Japan)
– Trouble getting a job when I first graduated from college in 2000, and then again when I moved to San Diego.
– Not able to find a date in college.
I am sure there were many other things that contribute to this but those were some major ones. I normally cry for half an hour or so and then buck up and eventually pull myself out of it and improve my life. I feel like I have done this in San Diego and have successfully started a life here having gotten myself a job, a place to live, a decent wage, and health insurance mostly on my own. (Shout out to Maya for helping me get down here and paying for just about everything that first year and my parents for the financial and emotional support).
I also managed to get a awsome girlfriend. In some ways almost too awsome. Stephanie has it so together, is so incredibly smart, critical thinker, gorgious, doing well in her career, focused. There were so many great things that I started to feel flawed and it started to chip away at my self esteem. That I, in comparison, am a loser, L7. I would think “how, can a girl this amazing be interested in a guy like me.” Of course I knew this was my self esteem getting in the way and would tell myself that I was just psyching myself out. It helped a little but still, I had to confront her with it.
I couldn’t harbor these feeling for too long else they tear me up and make me feel worse about myself. Monday night I was really upset crying as I walked home as if I can’t love myself how can I love someone else. I desperatly looked for someone to talk to and started calling everyone I knew I started to fall into crisis on my biggest emotional weakness. Thankfully, Jonathan, gave up his Monday Heavy Gear game to let me spill my guts and talk some since into me (so, thanks for that, I really really appreciate it).
So, I talked with Stephanie and after a long chat we smoothed things over and I hope even closer. I think I can say we are no longer just dating but in for long haul. Final shout out to Stephanie for being so understanding and wonderful. I couldn’t have picked a better a girl.